Ás vezes a vida mete-nos à frente um monte de coisas
possíveis, desde sonhos, a decisões importantes, a caminhos mais longos que nos
dão uma maior bagagem. Nessa encruzilhada que ontem nos parecia ter uma
resposta consistente e palpável, se é que que podemos medir a densidade das
palavras, hoje trata-se de um beco de emoções que teremos de atravessar-. Hoje
com a minha mala bem cheia, de todas aquelas experiências que só alguns olhos
captam, e só alguns corações vivem, parto na esperança de me encontrar do outro
lado do beco, de encontrar o eu. Será uma luta desigual, não podemos querer
descobrir quem somos, no inicio da viagem, mas é uma combate de forças. Custa-me
me sentir que já me descobri e no entanto faltar-me algo, por isso caminharei. Parada
deixou de resultar, fico perdida rapidamente nos meus pensamentos, nas minhas
histórias imaginadas, que em criança fluíam com as brincadeiras, e agora se
prendem e entrelaçam como amarras que me impedem de avançar. Sonho porque
nesses sonhos solares, consigo comandar o rumo das coisas, e criar os finais
que eu própria sentir serem os certos. Assusta-me a falta de controlo, que por
mais peso que traga na minha bagagem, todos os quilos de vida não serão nunca
suficientes para combater o inesperado. O inesperado fará parte do caminho pelo
túnel das emoções. Quando pensamos estar livres do passado ele volta constantemente
mesmo que não se pense, ele arranja maneira de como uma hera, trepar o muro no
nosso coração e encher-nos de dúvidas, o passado aquele passado de criança
pequena que tanto tenta sobrepor-se a mim, numa de aviso, ou quem sabe de
finalmente verdadeiras respostas. Tenho de o enfrentar, mas não sei bem de que
lado lutar, quem disse que tudo o que irei ver, será construtivo, enriquecedor,
libertador? A ânsia que me persegue diz-me que será avassalador, doloroso e
talvez destrutivo. E no entanto será que mesmo sendo negro não me libertará? Tantos
quilos de bagagem que não sei do que se trata, quilos e quilos de coisas que
sinto sem razão para tal, tanto bem e tanto medo do mal. O túnel das emoções
avisa que precisarei de mantimentos, coisas no fundo da mala, e começo a
questionar-me, se virei bem na encruzilhada. A descoberta do ser, levará ao
descoberto histórias enterradas, ficarei eu acabada?
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
O eu
Nem sempre digo as coisas da melhor maneira, não gosto de ouvir um não, sou resmungona irritante e perco-me facilmente em divagações sobre o porquê disto e daquilo, sobre a vida e sobre os momentos que muitas vezes ficam por explicar.
Sou rebelde no sentido puro da palavra, não gosto de regras. Repugno a rotina e sou amante do espontâneo do real e também do sonho. Sou pouco e às vezes quase nada em comparação com o que penso e sinto. A matéria, isto que vocês vêm nada é que eu não saiba ignorar, ultrapassar. Rendo-me ao abraço de um desconhecido e firo-me facilmente com as palavras de um amigo.
Sou inconstante incoerente e muitas vezes sentimental, choro e torno a chorar como quisesse competir com os oceanos. Grito também, e quando as lágrimas e os gritos se esgotam rio à gargalhada como se a razão do choro se apagasse na sonoridade da alegria. Sou poeta de papel nas horas vagas e poeta de coração na vida. Vejo beleza onde as pessoas vêem objectos e figuras, vejo o belo no escuro, e o escuro mais belo de sempre, quando fecho os olhos e posso sonhar.
Quero tudo e mais alguma coisa, não de concreto mas feito de fantasias e desejos, quero ser mais e mais e nem sempre o mais se alcança. Não sou insatisfeita, antes pelo contrário, as pequenas alegrias como de uma manhã de sol são mais que suficientes para me por a sorrir. Gosto de observar as pessoas, de as entender, gosto de tocar, sentir. Apesar de estar sempre a falar, sempre achei que não é com a boca que realmente se fala. Eu falo com as mãos, com olhos, com o corpo.
Nunca fui de me agarrar, odeio sentir-me presa. Gosto da liberdade do querer e fazer, da independência dos actos não pensados, da surpresa, da libertação. Gosto da fuga, dos momentos que queremos que durem e passam a correr enquanto nós os tentamos agarrar. Gosto de amar, gosto mas sem limites, sem regras, sem pensamento. Gosto de amar mesmo se não o for de volta. Gosto do cheiro da luz da presença do amor. Mas quando me prendem eu fujo.
Sou simplesmente assim, cheia de camadas que se sobrepõem indefinidamente. Cheia de marcos e marcas, e ainda espaços por escrever. Fecho-me e abro-me tantas vezes quanto o bater de umas asas. Sou inquieta e raramente permaneço. Sou explosão e logo a seguir aquela paz que ninguém compreende.
Acima de tudo, sou real, estou aqui e sempre estarei porque como já disse pretendo permanecer. Não tentem compreender-me, não tentem estudar-me, decifrar-me, levem-me com vocês e eu serei sempre o melhor de mim, porque vos amo.
Sou rebelde no sentido puro da palavra, não gosto de regras. Repugno a rotina e sou amante do espontâneo do real e também do sonho. Sou pouco e às vezes quase nada em comparação com o que penso e sinto. A matéria, isto que vocês vêm nada é que eu não saiba ignorar, ultrapassar. Rendo-me ao abraço de um desconhecido e firo-me facilmente com as palavras de um amigo.
Sou inconstante incoerente e muitas vezes sentimental, choro e torno a chorar como quisesse competir com os oceanos. Grito também, e quando as lágrimas e os gritos se esgotam rio à gargalhada como se a razão do choro se apagasse na sonoridade da alegria. Sou poeta de papel nas horas vagas e poeta de coração na vida. Vejo beleza onde as pessoas vêem objectos e figuras, vejo o belo no escuro, e o escuro mais belo de sempre, quando fecho os olhos e posso sonhar.
Quero tudo e mais alguma coisa, não de concreto mas feito de fantasias e desejos, quero ser mais e mais e nem sempre o mais se alcança. Não sou insatisfeita, antes pelo contrário, as pequenas alegrias como de uma manhã de sol são mais que suficientes para me por a sorrir. Gosto de observar as pessoas, de as entender, gosto de tocar, sentir. Apesar de estar sempre a falar, sempre achei que não é com a boca que realmente se fala. Eu falo com as mãos, com olhos, com o corpo.
Nunca fui de me agarrar, odeio sentir-me presa. Gosto da liberdade do querer e fazer, da independência dos actos não pensados, da surpresa, da libertação. Gosto da fuga, dos momentos que queremos que durem e passam a correr enquanto nós os tentamos agarrar. Gosto de amar, gosto mas sem limites, sem regras, sem pensamento. Gosto de amar mesmo se não o for de volta. Gosto do cheiro da luz da presença do amor. Mas quando me prendem eu fujo.
Sou simplesmente assim, cheia de camadas que se sobrepõem indefinidamente. Cheia de marcos e marcas, e ainda espaços por escrever. Fecho-me e abro-me tantas vezes quanto o bater de umas asas. Sou inquieta e raramente permaneço. Sou explosão e logo a seguir aquela paz que ninguém compreende.
Acima de tudo, sou real, estou aqui e sempre estarei porque como já disse pretendo permanecer. Não tentem compreender-me, não tentem estudar-me, decifrar-me, levem-me com vocês e eu serei sempre o melhor de mim, porque vos amo.
...
Procurei o sol.
Nele vieram dias, momentos e emoções felizes, veio a esperança, a verdadeira simplicidade das situações inexplicáveis que nos prendem apenas àquele presente. Queria tudo e o sol cumpria cada um dos meus desejos, era fácil, bastava-lhe brilhar e logo os meus olhos respondiam a cada reflexo, a cada movimento de rotação da terra, nós rodávamos também. Numa roda de desejos, corpo contra corpo, mente contra mente, coração sobre coração, nisso ambos sabíamos ser um para o outro, um brilho não apagava o outro, apesar da distância inconclusiva que nos separava, havia um ponto em que nos podíamos encontrar sempre, todos os dias no pico da madrugada e antes do anoitecer, ele descia à Terra e eu corria ao seu encontro livre, espontaneamente e sem hesitar.
Não pensávamos no futuro. Para quê fazê-lo? Havia apenas a certeza de que todos ”os nasceres e pores” do dia bastavam, eram todos momentos, os únicos momentos em que não duvidávamos de nada
Mas a noite sempre vinha.
E eu ficava sozinha, vinha o escuro e as dúvidas e a incoerência de pensamentos que me faziam, não ter certezas sobre o sol. Tão distante, tão perto e no fundo tão longe. Uma barreira física e imortal de razões nos separavam de tudo aquilo que nos unia em todas aquelas alturas do dia. Era noite, e na escuridão senti-me só pela primeira vez. A Lua tentava fazer-me companhia, aguentar-se comigo até ao amanhecer. Mas eu apenas fechava os olhos, porque a melhor maneira de enfrentar a escuridão, era através do meu querer, torná-la total.
Os dias e as noites seguiam-se, e os o amanheceres eram tão ou menos suficientes, que cada vez que a noite chegava. Os desejos eram substituídos pela necessidade de ter, pelo precisar de cada sensação fora da horas, viver cada emoção de cada vez tornou se doloroso, ter o sol mas não ter deixou de ser suficiente.
Mas quem podia imaginar algo diferente? O Sol, só no seu nome era tudo menos de alguém, era o brilho para todos e sempre seria assim, e eu poderia sempre amá-lo poderia sempre olhá-lo todos os dias, vê-lo e senti-lo como toda a gente o sentia, e o calor bastava. O Sol nunca poderia ser meu, e eu nunca poderia querer ser dele.
O Sol apenas se entregava à Lua, de anos a anos, noite e dia, um eclipse único, uma entrega total.
Nele vieram dias, momentos e emoções felizes, veio a esperança, a verdadeira simplicidade das situações inexplicáveis que nos prendem apenas àquele presente. Queria tudo e o sol cumpria cada um dos meus desejos, era fácil, bastava-lhe brilhar e logo os meus olhos respondiam a cada reflexo, a cada movimento de rotação da terra, nós rodávamos também. Numa roda de desejos, corpo contra corpo, mente contra mente, coração sobre coração, nisso ambos sabíamos ser um para o outro, um brilho não apagava o outro, apesar da distância inconclusiva que nos separava, havia um ponto em que nos podíamos encontrar sempre, todos os dias no pico da madrugada e antes do anoitecer, ele descia à Terra e eu corria ao seu encontro livre, espontaneamente e sem hesitar.
Não pensávamos no futuro. Para quê fazê-lo? Havia apenas a certeza de que todos ”os nasceres e pores” do dia bastavam, eram todos momentos, os únicos momentos em que não duvidávamos de nada
Mas a noite sempre vinha.
E eu ficava sozinha, vinha o escuro e as dúvidas e a incoerência de pensamentos que me faziam, não ter certezas sobre o sol. Tão distante, tão perto e no fundo tão longe. Uma barreira física e imortal de razões nos separavam de tudo aquilo que nos unia em todas aquelas alturas do dia. Era noite, e na escuridão senti-me só pela primeira vez. A Lua tentava fazer-me companhia, aguentar-se comigo até ao amanhecer. Mas eu apenas fechava os olhos, porque a melhor maneira de enfrentar a escuridão, era através do meu querer, torná-la total.
Os dias e as noites seguiam-se, e os o amanheceres eram tão ou menos suficientes, que cada vez que a noite chegava. Os desejos eram substituídos pela necessidade de ter, pelo precisar de cada sensação fora da horas, viver cada emoção de cada vez tornou se doloroso, ter o sol mas não ter deixou de ser suficiente.
Mas quem podia imaginar algo diferente? O Sol, só no seu nome era tudo menos de alguém, era o brilho para todos e sempre seria assim, e eu poderia sempre amá-lo poderia sempre olhá-lo todos os dias, vê-lo e senti-lo como toda a gente o sentia, e o calor bastava. O Sol nunca poderia ser meu, e eu nunca poderia querer ser dele.
O Sol apenas se entregava à Lua, de anos a anos, noite e dia, um eclipse único, uma entrega total.
Um rosto na estação
7h30 e mais uma manhã de loucura nos comboios de Lisboa, não vejo rostos, vejo caras removidas de expressão, marcadas pela rotina, pela eterna insatisfação de um dia-a-dia que se prolonga e se perde na brisa gélida que traz um novo amanhecer.
É um novo dia, e com este não vieram coisas novas, nem emoções, nem projectos nem a satisfação de um simples sorriso. Na estação milhares de pessoas se cruzam alheias ao que as rodeia, como máquinas percorrem um caminho que já não conhecem, que decoraram na esperança de lembrar e esquecer se assim o desejarem. Já não se conhecem, não têm espaço para o fazer, perdidas em memórias vazias, sem substância, sem verdadeiro conteúdo. Prisioneiros do seu próprio silêncio.
O barulho é imenso, e no entanto nada se diz. As palavras memorizadas forçam a sua saída e no entanto soam a pouco.
Faltam 15 dias para o Natal, e as pessoas estão vestidas de preto. A televisão preenchida de anúncios, apelando ao consumismo e ignorando a essência da ocasião, não é mais do que um espelho da estação dos comboios. Em que ponto da nossa história deixámos de querer saber?
As ruas de Lisboa enchem-se de luzes e cantos se ouvem, mascarando os rostos, inventando uma alegria à muito esquecido.
Em cada esquina um canto, em cada canto um rosto, um verdadeiro rosto suplicando por uma esmola, pedindo ajuda. Mas as caras não respondem, submersas no seu mundo da estação dos comboios, esquecendo-se de si mesmos, dos outros, e do quanto eles também, necessitam de ajuda.
É um novo dia, e com este não vieram coisas novas, nem emoções, nem projectos nem a satisfação de um simples sorriso. Na estação milhares de pessoas se cruzam alheias ao que as rodeia, como máquinas percorrem um caminho que já não conhecem, que decoraram na esperança de lembrar e esquecer se assim o desejarem. Já não se conhecem, não têm espaço para o fazer, perdidas em memórias vazias, sem substância, sem verdadeiro conteúdo. Prisioneiros do seu próprio silêncio.
O barulho é imenso, e no entanto nada se diz. As palavras memorizadas forçam a sua saída e no entanto soam a pouco.
Faltam 15 dias para o Natal, e as pessoas estão vestidas de preto. A televisão preenchida de anúncios, apelando ao consumismo e ignorando a essência da ocasião, não é mais do que um espelho da estação dos comboios. Em que ponto da nossa história deixámos de querer saber?
As ruas de Lisboa enchem-se de luzes e cantos se ouvem, mascarando os rostos, inventando uma alegria à muito esquecido.
Em cada esquina um canto, em cada canto um rosto, um verdadeiro rosto suplicando por uma esmola, pedindo ajuda. Mas as caras não respondem, submersas no seu mundo da estação dos comboios, esquecendo-se de si mesmos, dos outros, e do quanto eles também, necessitam de ajuda.
Friday, December 3, 2010
When Silence Comes
Once upon a time there was a girl, who fell in love with a boy, he brought her pain, he brought her shame. She was naked, filled with sorrow, trapped in her turtle's shell.
Time passed and she grew stronger, she kept herself from feeling anything any longer.
Strange days arrived, she promissed to her friends never to fall in love again, she flew from every boy, stood away from every date. She was happy, she was kind, she had friends she wanted to fly. Big dreams moved her foward, big heart gave her peace, but where was love?
Part of her wanted it all, great love, a bunch of kids, the other part was too hurt to accept even the possibility of feeling anything close to passion, to fire.
She looked arround and felt horribly alone, everyone was in love everyone could go home to someone. But she couldn't, she wouldn't, she was scared. And soon she forgot all about love.
So many people kept trying to remind her, but no one was capable to awake that part of her heart, "it was safer this way" she thought.
Safe or not silence came.
It was cold,, restless, and it pulled her away from the world, cause love was to strong for her to ignore, so silence she prefered and stoped caring anymore.
Then he came, with his silly walk, and fast talk, he put her in her place, and there was no grace about him, he was careless of what would come next, living the moment, facing the fear, she tried stopping love but it was to late, and he was to near. She fell and got up, stood in front of him, looked him in the eyes, and she felt powerless. She knew from that moment on that the fight was over, love had won. She was still scared, but also hoppeful, she dreamed a new dream, and ther was love, and dates, and friendship, there was him and that was simply enough.~
He came, and took the silence away.
Time passed and she grew stronger, she kept herself from feeling anything any longer.
Strange days arrived, she promissed to her friends never to fall in love again, she flew from every boy, stood away from every date. She was happy, she was kind, she had friends she wanted to fly. Big dreams moved her foward, big heart gave her peace, but where was love?
Part of her wanted it all, great love, a bunch of kids, the other part was too hurt to accept even the possibility of feeling anything close to passion, to fire.
She looked arround and felt horribly alone, everyone was in love everyone could go home to someone. But she couldn't, she wouldn't, she was scared. And soon she forgot all about love.
So many people kept trying to remind her, but no one was capable to awake that part of her heart, "it was safer this way" she thought.
Safe or not silence came.
It was cold,, restless, and it pulled her away from the world, cause love was to strong for her to ignore, so silence she prefered and stoped caring anymore.
Then he came, with his silly walk, and fast talk, he put her in her place, and there was no grace about him, he was careless of what would come next, living the moment, facing the fear, she tried stopping love but it was to late, and he was to near. She fell and got up, stood in front of him, looked him in the eyes, and she felt powerless. She knew from that moment on that the fight was over, love had won. She was still scared, but also hoppeful, she dreamed a new dream, and ther was love, and dates, and friendship, there was him and that was simply enough.~
He came, and took the silence away.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Another chance
Who hasn’t felt crazy about someone, that from the beginning you knew you couldn’t ever have? I guess we all love the thrill of the chase, and I thought for sometime that I could look away from love, and just feel the fire and the adrenaline of wanting and desiring a boy just for the game, for a moment witch lasted about an hour, I thought that I could get away with being a player, for the excitement of making people fall for me though I was not in love with them.
The truth is that I was foolish enough to think, that I could make myself, the girl who always falls in love with the wrong kind of players, become one of them. Why would I ever want to change you may ask: I was tired of being played.
Did I want revenge? Yeah, at the beginning I thought that was it, but now I know that I just didn’t want to feel that everything that had happen was my fault, that I wasn’t good enough.
Well, I was.
I’ve always believed in fairytales, although I haven’t experienced one, I just have a need to believe in all those “happy ever afters”. After feeling the pain of a broken heart, I know that all the glue in the world can’t erase what I had felt in that hot summer day, but I could accept the pain and move forward, cause I never stopped wondering what would come next, and I knew I had to think that what ever that was, it resumed itself to another test.
I passed it, with distinction, and I knew there wasn’t any other way, so even when I felt like a storm was forming all around, when everybody was afraid of talking about it out loud, I knew it had nothing to do with me, I was at peace.
So now, when someone asks me, If I’m alright, I just nod, smile and say: I have been for a while now.
The only game I’ll ever play in a world of players, is the game where I always win, the game of falling in love, never play for something in between. Sometimes a broken hearted girl is just another person with the chance of falling in love once more.
The truth is that I was foolish enough to think, that I could make myself, the girl who always falls in love with the wrong kind of players, become one of them. Why would I ever want to change you may ask: I was tired of being played.
Did I want revenge? Yeah, at the beginning I thought that was it, but now I know that I just didn’t want to feel that everything that had happen was my fault, that I wasn’t good enough.
Well, I was.
I’ve always believed in fairytales, although I haven’t experienced one, I just have a need to believe in all those “happy ever afters”. After feeling the pain of a broken heart, I know that all the glue in the world can’t erase what I had felt in that hot summer day, but I could accept the pain and move forward, cause I never stopped wondering what would come next, and I knew I had to think that what ever that was, it resumed itself to another test.
I passed it, with distinction, and I knew there wasn’t any other way, so even when I felt like a storm was forming all around, when everybody was afraid of talking about it out loud, I knew it had nothing to do with me, I was at peace.
So now, when someone asks me, If I’m alright, I just nod, smile and say: I have been for a while now.
The only game I’ll ever play in a world of players, is the game where I always win, the game of falling in love, never play for something in between. Sometimes a broken hearted girl is just another person with the chance of falling in love once more.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Love Actually
Yeah, we've all seen that movie a dozen times, and still I can't help but to smile and cry everytime.. Love is true, love happens, it comes slowly, while sparks are still flying and it arrives to stay. Can't let go, can't stop it from spreading, and soon enough we're all finding it hard to breath, we're all aching to live.. It hurts, it kills, it gives life, and all of a sudden it takes it away too.
I think I kind of stumbled into it.
It scared me at first, because I had never felt something so powerfull. Everything was different this time, nothing like the first one, this time all the love I felt was hidden, disguised as friendship, or even better, it grew out from a friendship to something that words can never explain. It was beautiful just because it felt like something that grew, and became stronger as the time passed and as we got to know each other. Wrong, right, never taught of that, not for a second, I just lived it. Wrong move.
He was perfect. I'm not talking about his looks, he was cute, with eyes that could kill me in a second, but that was not it. He was, and still is one of the most beautiful persons I know, on the inside. He's kind, fun to have arround, always enjoying life. Hardworker, peaceful, brave and most of all his heart is priceless. I knew I had found the only guy who could really fufill me, and for a second that felt like an eternity I was happy.. Me! Happy! Even I know how awkard those two words look together. I fell into his arms, and believed it was forever. I wasn't thinking about the future, but forever seemed to fit my perfect fantasy. Then again, wrong thinking..
It wasn't perfect, it wasn't true, it had nothing to do with forever.. I wasn't faking, but aparently, he was trying to forget someone and realised we were a mistake. It was so clichê, that I couldn't believe it. I could see the movie clip rolling, but I was standing still, facing the facts, the truth that all the actors seemed to already know.. Maybe I should've read the script.
Now I just wish I could go back, and keep myself from feeling, because I just don't know how to stop, the movie is ending, and he'll probably have his happy ending, but what about me? Is there a happy something ine the end of my story?
Can't possibly know, so I'll let the movie rolle, the leading man stay with his girl, and me, I'll stand behind the scenes, playing the extra on the love story of the man of my dreams.
I think I kind of stumbled into it.
It scared me at first, because I had never felt something so powerfull. Everything was different this time, nothing like the first one, this time all the love I felt was hidden, disguised as friendship, or even better, it grew out from a friendship to something that words can never explain. It was beautiful just because it felt like something that grew, and became stronger as the time passed and as we got to know each other. Wrong, right, never taught of that, not for a second, I just lived it. Wrong move.
He was perfect. I'm not talking about his looks, he was cute, with eyes that could kill me in a second, but that was not it. He was, and still is one of the most beautiful persons I know, on the inside. He's kind, fun to have arround, always enjoying life. Hardworker, peaceful, brave and most of all his heart is priceless. I knew I had found the only guy who could really fufill me, and for a second that felt like an eternity I was happy.. Me! Happy! Even I know how awkard those two words look together. I fell into his arms, and believed it was forever. I wasn't thinking about the future, but forever seemed to fit my perfect fantasy. Then again, wrong thinking..
It wasn't perfect, it wasn't true, it had nothing to do with forever.. I wasn't faking, but aparently, he was trying to forget someone and realised we were a mistake. It was so clichê, that I couldn't believe it. I could see the movie clip rolling, but I was standing still, facing the facts, the truth that all the actors seemed to already know.. Maybe I should've read the script.
Now I just wish I could go back, and keep myself from feeling, because I just don't know how to stop, the movie is ending, and he'll probably have his happy ending, but what about me? Is there a happy something ine the end of my story?
Can't possibly know, so I'll let the movie rolle, the leading man stay with his girl, and me, I'll stand behind the scenes, playing the extra on the love story of the man of my dreams.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A Touch of Truth
Everyone knows I only write when I'm sad, everyone knows there's only one person capable of making me mad. I haven't written in months, because I believe there are some feelings, some stories that aren't meant to be told.
My story is the same old one: girl falls for the wrong guy believing he's the right one, he shows her all the wonders in the world, takes her to fly in his magic carpet, tells her verything about Upendi, buys her the perfect crystal shoes, takes her to the ball in his white horse.. And leaves her in the midle of the final dance for the much prettier Cinderella..
The end is close, and as much as I wanted to delay this moment, I knew there could never be a happy ending, or at least not one that involved "and they lived happily ever after". I finaly discovered everything he tried to hide, all his dirt, and it hurt. I believed in someone that wasn't real, I believed in him for everything he made me feel, but he also taught me better, he taught me to see behind his lies, he taught me to stop believing in every try. I told him everything he wasn't expecting to hear, and for the first time I wasn't the one filled up with fear.. I knew I was the only person who could see him for what he really was, and from that moment on everything got worse. I don't know if it's regret, shame or some other feeling with no name, but our eyes don't find each other anymore, our conversations are nothing like before, and we don't walk towards each other, more, less, nothing, everything, how come there is never a midle term for us?
While writing the las paragraph I was thinking about what my conclusion should be, and I got to a fantastic finding: I'm clueless. All this time I thought that I knew everything that was going on, I could put all my feeling into paper, but now everything seems stuck, between what I should be saying, what I feel, and all that I do. All I wanted was to make him come true, turn him into what I thought he should've been for me, but then he wouldn't be him, and this wouldn't be called "a love story with an uncommon ending for the girld that sould've realize that the guy didn't belong to her fairytale".
It took one hour to write this, usually it takes fifteen minutes, which means that he still owns so much of my time, he's still with me although he was never mine.
My story is the same old one: girl falls for the wrong guy believing he's the right one, he shows her all the wonders in the world, takes her to fly in his magic carpet, tells her verything about Upendi, buys her the perfect crystal shoes, takes her to the ball in his white horse.. And leaves her in the midle of the final dance for the much prettier Cinderella..
The end is close, and as much as I wanted to delay this moment, I knew there could never be a happy ending, or at least not one that involved "and they lived happily ever after". I finaly discovered everything he tried to hide, all his dirt, and it hurt. I believed in someone that wasn't real, I believed in him for everything he made me feel, but he also taught me better, he taught me to see behind his lies, he taught me to stop believing in every try. I told him everything he wasn't expecting to hear, and for the first time I wasn't the one filled up with fear.. I knew I was the only person who could see him for what he really was, and from that moment on everything got worse. I don't know if it's regret, shame or some other feeling with no name, but our eyes don't find each other anymore, our conversations are nothing like before, and we don't walk towards each other, more, less, nothing, everything, how come there is never a midle term for us?
While writing the las paragraph I was thinking about what my conclusion should be, and I got to a fantastic finding: I'm clueless. All this time I thought that I knew everything that was going on, I could put all my feeling into paper, but now everything seems stuck, between what I should be saying, what I feel, and all that I do. All I wanted was to make him come true, turn him into what I thought he should've been for me, but then he wouldn't be him, and this wouldn't be called "a love story with an uncommon ending for the girld that sould've realize that the guy didn't belong to her fairytale".
It took one hour to write this, usually it takes fifteen minutes, which means that he still owns so much of my time, he's still with me although he was never mine.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Make you mine
I wake up every morning,
Yet prisoner of my dreams of you,
When walking to school I always pray,
That somehow they'll come true..
You arrive,
Unaware of the way you shine,
Careless of how you always look so fine...
You walk as if you own the place,
So perfectly that you make me want to look away,
Hoping you won't see the imperfections of my face.
But I still stop,
Stare,
And wait,
With the ilusion that you'll look at me today...
Somehow in the middle of those thoughts,
My eyes meet yours,
And it always makes me guess,
Is it true or just an accident in all that mess?
I never have enough time to get an answer,
You move towards me like a perfect dancer,
You hug me like you've known me for a long time,
The only thing you don't know,
Is that I would give anything to make you mine ...
Yet prisoner of my dreams of you,
When walking to school I always pray,
That somehow they'll come true..
You arrive,
Unaware of the way you shine,
Careless of how you always look so fine...
You walk as if you own the place,
So perfectly that you make me want to look away,
Hoping you won't see the imperfections of my face.
But I still stop,
Stare,
And wait,
With the ilusion that you'll look at me today...
Somehow in the middle of those thoughts,
My eyes meet yours,
And it always makes me guess,
Is it true or just an accident in all that mess?
I never have enough time to get an answer,
You move towards me like a perfect dancer,
You hug me like you've known me for a long time,
The only thing you don't know,
Is that I would give anything to make you mine ...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
We lost it
Oceans of fears,
A bucket full of tears,
Nothing more to say,
Not one thing keeping us this way..
You better close your eyes,
Cause everytime I'll pass by you
It's gonna hurt everything I won't do!
Cause there's all we are,
And all we we used to be,
And right now you're just keeping me from being free..
I look back and nothing's like before,
Everything's changed,
And now I'm here strong,
You're on top of the world and still so wrong..
I'm right were I'm supposed to me,
Down here,
Looking for all the pieces of me.
And while you're up there,
Enjoying the ride of your life,
I'll be watching you it's only fair..
Cause when it ends,
You'll look for me everywhere,
And there won't be no one to stare!
"We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it"
A bucket full of tears,
Nothing more to say,
Not one thing keeping us this way..
You better close your eyes,
Cause everytime I'll pass by you
It's gonna hurt everything I won't do!
Cause there's all we are,
And all we we used to be,
And right now you're just keeping me from being free..
I look back and nothing's like before,
Everything's changed,
And now I'm here strong,
You're on top of the world and still so wrong..
I'm right were I'm supposed to me,
Down here,
Looking for all the pieces of me.
And while you're up there,
Enjoying the ride of your life,
I'll be watching you it's only fair..
Cause when it ends,
You'll look for me everywhere,
And there won't be no one to stare!
"We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it"
Friday, September 25, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Over you
I thought everything would be okay, I knew this year things would be harder, but I never knew things would be difficult between us, I really hoped for the best, but what do I thought the best was? God I knew how you were, how everything was.. Sure there was never promisses, you never said forever, and I was foolish enough not to make you say how you felt, what we were. So maybe, we were nothing, or maybe we were everything, every moment, every bit of time our hearts sang the same melody, every words left to say couldn't define us.. We were nothing like common, we were everything but true, and in the end, I looked everywhere and there was no you.
So I asked myself many times today, if everything was meant to be this way. My heart shouted no, but my head stills stays low. And I walk the steps we used to walk together, I talk to myself the way we used to talk to each other but nobody answers, cause you knew all the thing I loved to hear, you knew everything made sense when we were near.
I saw the look on your face when you knew I could tell that things weren't well, and you still stayed far away, and you stoped looking my way, and somehow in the middle of all that mess, I looked up and saw a light, and I knew that as time passed by everything would be alright.
So now I'm just hanging on, keeping in my memorie that the person who pull me up was the one who brought me down.
So I asked myself many times today, if everything was meant to be this way. My heart shouted no, but my head stills stays low. And I walk the steps we used to walk together, I talk to myself the way we used to talk to each other but nobody answers, cause you knew all the thing I loved to hear, you knew everything made sense when we were near.
I saw the look on your face when you knew I could tell that things weren't well, and you still stayed far away, and you stoped looking my way, and somehow in the middle of all that mess, I looked up and saw a light, and I knew that as time passed by everything would be alright.
So now I'm just hanging on, keeping in my memorie that the person who pull me up was the one who brought me down.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Destiny
Do you ever think about how everything could be different if you just did something that in the that time you thought it wasn't a good thing to do ?
Do you believe that everything that we do isn't important? Because some people believe that the story of our lives has already been writen, so it doesn't really matter what you do and say, life is just a game sometimes, but I don't agree..
If I did, I would never do anything, I'd seat in my sofa and stare at the tv, knowing that everything would happen even with me doing nothing..
I believe we have control over our destiny, I believe that everything I have I got it by fighting, by struggling, by never giving up.
A few days ago my world collapsed, I thought that finaly destiny had played a trick on me, and there was nothing I could do.. I thought "why should I continue struggling if in the end fate always gets the best of us??". And I stopped believing in myself, because being controlled wasn't for me, my life didn't mean anything without me having some kind of power over it..
I was confused, and thinking that all my life I had been wrong about this, no matter what I did, everything had ended up wrong..
And then there was light!
I could see, I could feel it.. And I decided to play a trick on fate, and with all my strenght I did something destiny never expected, I reacted.
And it worked.. Or at least for now it worked..
So the big conclusion for me is: sure fate and destiny play a huge part in our lives, and sure I get pissed off with it, but if everytime destiny shouts "it's that way", and I take the other path, maybe, even if just for a day, I'll know that everything was my choice..
Do you believe that everything that we do isn't important? Because some people believe that the story of our lives has already been writen, so it doesn't really matter what you do and say, life is just a game sometimes, but I don't agree..
If I did, I would never do anything, I'd seat in my sofa and stare at the tv, knowing that everything would happen even with me doing nothing..
I believe we have control over our destiny, I believe that everything I have I got it by fighting, by struggling, by never giving up.
A few days ago my world collapsed, I thought that finaly destiny had played a trick on me, and there was nothing I could do.. I thought "why should I continue struggling if in the end fate always gets the best of us??". And I stopped believing in myself, because being controlled wasn't for me, my life didn't mean anything without me having some kind of power over it..
I was confused, and thinking that all my life I had been wrong about this, no matter what I did, everything had ended up wrong..
And then there was light!
I could see, I could feel it.. And I decided to play a trick on fate, and with all my strenght I did something destiny never expected, I reacted.
And it worked.. Or at least for now it worked..
So the big conclusion for me is: sure fate and destiny play a huge part in our lives, and sure I get pissed off with it, but if everytime destiny shouts "it's that way", and I take the other path, maybe, even if just for a day, I'll know that everything was my choice..
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
1000 goodbyes
I stoped writing for a few days, not because I was lacking of ideas, but instead, I was full of them.
So much happened after the last thing I posted here, again I'm confused, lost, or whatever you call this weird feeling that has kept me smilling for like 3 days! It's brain freeze, sometimes I wonder if you do this on porpuse, if you like to always say goodbye and see my face when you keep coming back.. Maybe this makes you excited, it's like a game, where I end up the looser no matter what the dice says, and you.. ooh you are never satisfied, you like this don't you? I can't lie, I hate the game, but I can't stop loving the player..
And wow, I'm smilling again, and having so many dreams, so much hope. That's what you do best. You give me all of you, in the form of hope, enough to leave me wanting more, enough not to give up, to care. Cause I can't see you sad, never want to make you mad, so if I do, you'll know, I finnally stoped loving you.
I'll be waiting as long as I can, I'll believe even in the end, and I'll hope for a miracle right now, cause I know the end isn't near, and so far I believed and it didn't work, and maybe just maybe, I'll be brave enough to handle your next goodbye, and ask you to close the door as you leave..
So much happened after the last thing I posted here, again I'm confused, lost, or whatever you call this weird feeling that has kept me smilling for like 3 days! It's brain freeze, sometimes I wonder if you do this on porpuse, if you like to always say goodbye and see my face when you keep coming back.. Maybe this makes you excited, it's like a game, where I end up the looser no matter what the dice says, and you.. ooh you are never satisfied, you like this don't you? I can't lie, I hate the game, but I can't stop loving the player..
And wow, I'm smilling again, and having so many dreams, so much hope. That's what you do best. You give me all of you, in the form of hope, enough to leave me wanting more, enough not to give up, to care. Cause I can't see you sad, never want to make you mad, so if I do, you'll know, I finnally stoped loving you.
I'll be waiting as long as I can, I'll believe even in the end, and I'll hope for a miracle right now, cause I know the end isn't near, and so far I believed and it didn't work, and maybe just maybe, I'll be brave enough to handle your next goodbye, and ask you to close the door as you leave..
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Never alone
I was never an easy person, even today I have alot of trust issues, it's difficult for me to trust someone, because all my life no one was brave enough to trust me, to help me.. I needed to be saved, and for along time I fought alone, against everyone, and everything. You don't need to know the story of my life, but basicaly until I was seven I was alone in the world. It was scary, being alone and pretending not to care, I was strong, still am, and I still think that I can do everything by myself.. But there's no need for it, cause I've got the best friends and mother in the world, and they care!
I decided to write to them, so to you, to all my friends, veryone who's standing beside me today, and everyone who's far but in my heart.
There was always something about me that was difficult to understand, I know that, and I know that you struggle everyday to understand me, to not give up.. Sometimes I push you away but you keep coming back, and I'm so gratefull for everything. There wouldn't be a PATXÓ if it wasn't for you, cause all I ever did, was to arrive at this moment and see how many great people I have arround me and how I'm not sure I deserve it..
I know how much I care about you all, and how much of a pain in the ass I am, but it's just me, and I know if I changed you'd miss me ..
So now I'm showing here all my love for you, for everything that you all did ´for me, and to say that forever I'll be here to help, forever I will care, and to say that forever is not long enough..
Love you all
I decided to write to them, so to you, to all my friends, veryone who's standing beside me today, and everyone who's far but in my heart.
There was always something about me that was difficult to understand, I know that, and I know that you struggle everyday to understand me, to not give up.. Sometimes I push you away but you keep coming back, and I'm so gratefull for everything. There wouldn't be a PATXÓ if it wasn't for you, cause all I ever did, was to arrive at this moment and see how many great people I have arround me and how I'm not sure I deserve it..
I know how much I care about you all, and how much of a pain in the ass I am, but it's just me, and I know if I changed you'd miss me ..
So now I'm showing here all my love for you, for everything that you all did ´for me, and to say that forever I'll be here to help, forever I will care, and to say that forever is not long enough..
Love you all
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Something in nothing
I knew I could see the future,
Maybe make it better,
maybe it didn't matter..
I knew I would have to cry,
I knew we were nothing but a bubly lie,
But I had to try..
Sundenly everything was something,
All my feelings were revealed
The truth was that
In the end I was the one who was real..
I cared enough not to show it,
I saw enough not to care,
But somehow it always ended up
In "stop and stare"..
I swear I only needed you,
I tried to make it come true,
But everything wasn't for you..
And so here I am,
After all we've been through,
Something in nothing,
this is me and you..
Maybe make it better,
maybe it didn't matter..
I knew I would have to cry,
I knew we were nothing but a bubly lie,
But I had to try..
Sundenly everything was something,
All my feelings were revealed
The truth was that
In the end I was the one who was real..
I cared enough not to show it,
I saw enough not to care,
But somehow it always ended up
In "stop and stare"..
I swear I only needed you,
I tried to make it come true,
But everything wasn't for you..
And so here I am,
After all we've been through,
Something in nothing,
this is me and you..
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Is there more?
Something is really wrong with me right now, I don't know what is it, but my heart is strange like if there was a hand grabbing and squishing it.. It doesn't hurt, it's more like a heavy thing that I have to walk with everywhere I go, and I'm getting kind of tired.
Everyone arround me seems to understand what I'm going though, but how can they, if even I don't know what's going on?! Everyone keeps trying to help, saying how everything is gonna be okay.. But what happens if it doesn't? what happens if everyone is wrong and EVERYTHING goes wrong? You always have answers but I think this time you are as clueless as I am, face it: everything about me is wrong, everything about us isn't meant to be, everything about you keeps me from flying free.. And I hate and love every minute of being your prisoner.
I keep telling myself to let go, and everytime the space between us grows, you come closer again and I can't believe you're near.. And then, one day, your're gone again, and I'm missing you and going crazy, and everything is falling appart, until there's another sign.. What the hell are we doing?? This is a circle everything changes but still, everything's the same, at the end of the day I walk home with nothing and you still have it all.
I know there will always be something there, what I don't know is how am I supose to live knowing that a person like you is out there, and that for a moment that person seemed to care?
I just have to move on, with everything I thought you and I could be, everything I'll never have, everything I can't leave.. Wait! I just said I was moving on, and now I'm saying "everything I can't leave"?!
See?? This is exactly what you do to me.. But then again, it doesn't really matter to you..
You have it all, everything you've ever wanted and there's still a bonus: me..
Everyone arround me seems to understand what I'm going though, but how can they, if even I don't know what's going on?! Everyone keeps trying to help, saying how everything is gonna be okay.. But what happens if it doesn't? what happens if everyone is wrong and EVERYTHING goes wrong? You always have answers but I think this time you are as clueless as I am, face it: everything about me is wrong, everything about us isn't meant to be, everything about you keeps me from flying free.. And I hate and love every minute of being your prisoner.
I keep telling myself to let go, and everytime the space between us grows, you come closer again and I can't believe you're near.. And then, one day, your're gone again, and I'm missing you and going crazy, and everything is falling appart, until there's another sign.. What the hell are we doing?? This is a circle everything changes but still, everything's the same, at the end of the day I walk home with nothing and you still have it all.
I know there will always be something there, what I don't know is how am I supose to live knowing that a person like you is out there, and that for a moment that person seemed to care?
I just have to move on, with everything I thought you and I could be, everything I'll never have, everything I can't leave.. Wait! I just said I was moving on, and now I'm saying "everything I can't leave"?!
See?? This is exactly what you do to me.. But then again, it doesn't really matter to you..
You have it all, everything you've ever wanted and there's still a bonus: me..
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