Another chance

Who hasn’t felt crazy about someone, that from the beginning you knew you couldn’t ever have? I guess we all love the thrill of the chase, and I thought for sometime that I could look away from love, and just feel the fire and the adrenaline of wanting and desiring a boy just for the game, for a moment witch lasted about an hour, I thought that I could get away with being a player, for the excitement of making people fall for me though I was not in love with them.
The truth is that I was foolish enough to think, that I could make myself, the girl who always falls in love with the wrong kind of players, become one of them. Why would I ever want to change you may ask: I was tired of being played.
Did I want revenge? Yeah, at the beginning I thought that was it, but now I know that I just didn’t want to feel that everything that had happen was my fault, that I wasn’t good enough.

Well, I was.

I’ve always believed in fairytales, although I haven’t experienced one, I just have a need to believe in all those “happy ever afters”. After feeling the pain of a broken heart, I know that all the glue in the world can’t erase what I had felt in that hot summer day, but I could accept the pain and move forward, cause I never stopped wondering what would come next, and I knew I had to think that what ever that was, it resumed itself to another test.
I passed it, with distinction, and I knew there wasn’t any other way, so even when I felt like a storm was forming all around, when everybody was afraid of talking about it out loud, I knew it had nothing to do with me, I was at peace.

So now, when someone asks me, If I’m alright, I just nod, smile and say: I have been for a while now.

The only game I’ll ever play in a world of players, is the game where I always win, the game of falling in love, never play for something in between. Sometimes a broken hearted girl is just another person with the chance of falling in love once more.

Love Actually

Yeah, we've all seen that movie a dozen times, and still I can't help but to smile and cry everytime.. Love is true, love happens, it comes slowly, while sparks are still flying and it arrives to stay. Can't let go, can't stop it from spreading, and soon enough we're all finding it hard to breath, we're all aching to live.. It hurts, it kills, it gives life, and all of a sudden it takes it away too.

I think I kind of stumbled into it.

It scared me at first, because I had never felt something so powerfull. Everything was different this time, nothing like the first one, this time all the love I felt was hidden, disguised as friendship, or even better, it grew out from a friendship to something that words can never explain. It was beautiful just because it felt like something that grew, and became stronger as the time passed and as we got to know each other. Wrong, right, never taught of that, not for a second, I just lived it. Wrong move.

He was perfect. I'm not talking about his looks, he was cute, with eyes that could kill me in a second, but that was not it. He was, and still is one of the most beautiful persons I know, on the inside. He's kind, fun to have arround, always enjoying life. Hardworker, peaceful, brave and most of all his heart is priceless. I knew I had found the only guy who could really fufill me, and for a second that felt like an eternity I was happy.. Me! Happy! Even I know how awkard those two words look together. I fell into his arms, and believed it was forever. I wasn't thinking about the future, but forever seemed to fit my perfect fantasy. Then again, wrong thinking..

It wasn't perfect, it wasn't true, it had nothing to do with forever.. I wasn't faking, but aparently, he was trying to forget someone and realised we were a mistake. It was so clichê, that I couldn't believe it. I could see the movie clip rolling, but I was standing still, facing the facts, the truth that all the actors seemed to already know.. Maybe I should've read the script.

Now I just wish I could go back, and keep myself from feeling, because I just don't know how to stop, the movie is ending, and he'll probably have his happy ending, but what about me? Is there a happy something ine the end of my story?

Can't possibly know, so I'll let the movie rolle, the leading man stay with his girl, and me, I'll stand behind the scenes, playing the extra on the love story of the man of my dreams.

A Touch of Truth

Everyone knows I only write when I'm sad, everyone knows there's only one person capable of making me mad. I haven't written in months, because I believe there are some feelings, some stories that aren't meant to be told.

My story is the same old one: girl falls for the wrong guy believing he's the right one, he shows her all the wonders in the world, takes her to fly in his magic carpet, tells her verything about Upendi, buys her the perfect crystal shoes, takes her to the ball in his white horse.. And leaves her in the midle of the final dance for the much prettier Cinderella..

The end is close, and as much as I wanted to delay this moment, I knew there could never be a happy ending, or at least not one that involved "and they lived happily ever after". I finaly discovered everything he tried to hide, all his dirt, and it hurt. I believed in someone that wasn't real, I believed in him for everything he made me feel, but he also taught me better, he taught me to see behind his lies, he taught me to stop believing in every try. I told him everything he wasn't expecting to hear, and for the first time I wasn't the one filled up with fear.. I knew I was the only person who could see him for what he really was, and from that moment on everything got worse. I don't know if it's regret, shame or some other feeling with no name, but our eyes don't find each other anymore, our conversations are nothing like before, and we don't walk towards each other, more, less, nothing, everything, how come there is never a midle term for us?

While writing the las paragraph I was thinking about what my conclusion should be, and I got to a fantastic finding: I'm clueless. All this time I thought that I knew everything that was going on, I could put all my feeling into paper, but now everything seems stuck, between what I should be saying, what I feel, and all that I do. All I wanted was to make him come true, turn him into what I thought he should've been for me, but then he wouldn't be him, and this wouldn't be called "a love story with an uncommon ending for the girld that sould've realize that the guy didn't belong to her fairytale".

It took one hour to write this, usually it takes fifteen minutes, which means that he still owns so much of my time, he's still with me although he was never mine.

Make you mine

I wake up every morning,
Yet prisoner of my dreams of you,
When walking to school I always pray,
That somehow they'll come true..
You arrive,
Unaware of the way you shine,
Careless of how you always look so fine...
You walk as if you own the place,
So perfectly that you make me want to look away,
Hoping you won't see the imperfections of my face.
But I still stop,
Stare,
And wait,
With the ilusion that you'll look at me today...
Somehow in the middle of those thoughts,
My eyes meet yours,
And it always makes me guess,
Is it true or just an accident in all that mess?
I never have enough time to get an answer,
You move towards me like a perfect dancer,
You hug me like you've known me for a long time,
The only thing you don't know,
Is that I would give anything to make you mine ...

We lost it

Oceans of fears,
A bucket full of tears,
Nothing more to say,
Not one thing keeping us this way..
You better close your eyes,
Cause everytime I'll pass by you
It's gonna hurt everything I won't do!
Cause there's all we are,
And all we we used to be,
And right now you're just keeping me from being free..
I look back and nothing's like before,
Everything's changed,
And now I'm here strong,
You're on top of the world and still so wrong..
I'm right were I'm supposed to me,
Down here,
Looking for all the pieces of me.
And while you're up there,
Enjoying the ride of your life,
I'll be watching you it's only fair..
Cause when it ends,
You'll look for me everywhere,
And there won't be no one to stare!


"We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it"

Part of me

We live of big sudden emotions without any sense ..

Over you

I thought everything would be okay, I knew this year things would be harder, but I never knew things would be difficult between us, I really hoped for the best, but what do I thought the best was? God I knew how you were, how everything was.. Sure there was never promisses, you never said forever, and I was foolish enough not to make you say how you felt, what we were. So maybe, we were nothing, or maybe we were everything, every moment, every bit of time our hearts sang the same melody, every words left to say couldn't define us.. We were nothing like common, we were everything but true, and in the end, I looked everywhere and there was no you.
So I asked myself many times today, if everything was meant to be this way. My heart shouted no, but my head stills stays low. And I walk the steps we used to walk together, I talk to myself the way we used to talk to each other but nobody answers, cause you knew all the thing I loved to hear, you knew everything made sense when we were near.
I saw the look on your face when you knew I could tell that things weren't well, and you still stayed far away, and you stoped looking my way, and somehow in the middle of all that mess, I looked up and saw a light, and I knew that as time passed by everything would be alright.
So now I'm just hanging on, keeping in my memorie that the person who pull me up was the one who brought me down.

Destiny

Do you ever think about how everything could be different if you just did something that in the that time you thought it wasn't a good thing to do ?
Do you believe that everything that we do isn't important? Because some people believe that the story of our lives has already been writen, so it doesn't really matter what you do and say, life is just a game sometimes, but I don't agree..
If I did, I would never do anything, I'd seat in my sofa and stare at the tv, knowing that everything would happen even with me doing nothing..
I believe we have control over our destiny, I believe that everything I have I got it by fighting, by struggling, by never giving up.
A few days ago my world collapsed, I thought that finaly destiny had played a trick on me, and there was nothing I could do.. I thought "why should I continue struggling if in the end fate always gets the best of us??". And I stopped believing in myself, because being controlled wasn't for me, my life didn't mean anything without me having some kind of power over it..
I was confused, and thinking that all my life I had been wrong about this, no matter what I did, everything had ended up wrong..
And then there was light!
I could see, I could feel it.. And I decided to play a trick on fate, and with all my strenght I did something destiny never expected, I reacted.
And it worked.. Or at least for now it worked..
So the big conclusion for me is: sure fate and destiny play a huge part in our lives, and sure I get pissed off with it, but if everytime destiny shouts "it's that way", and I take the other path, maybe, even if just for a day, I'll know that everything was my choice..

Sure you don't care about the planet,

sure it's dying and many people don't care..

But I do,

And the panda does too.

I see this pictures,

and they give me hope ...

1000 goodbyes

I stoped writing for a few days, not because I was lacking of ideas, but instead, I was full of them.
So much happened after the last thing I posted here, again I'm confused, lost, or whatever you call this weird feeling that has kept me smilling for like 3 days! It's brain freeze, sometimes I wonder if you do this on porpuse, if you like to always say goodbye and see my face when you keep coming back.. Maybe this makes you excited, it's like a game, where I end up the looser no matter what the dice says, and you.. ooh you are never satisfied, you like this don't you? I can't lie, I hate the game, but I can't stop loving the player..
And wow, I'm smilling again, and having so many dreams, so much hope. That's what you do best. You give me all of you, in the form of hope, enough to leave me wanting more, enough not to give up, to care. Cause I can't see you sad, never want to make you mad, so if I do, you'll know, I finnally stoped loving you.
I'll be waiting as long as I can, I'll believe even in the end, and I'll hope for a miracle right now, cause I know the end isn't near, and so far I believed and it didn't work, and maybe just maybe, I'll be brave enough to handle your next goodbye, and ask you to close the door as you leave..