Sure you don't care about the planet,

sure it's dying and many people don't care..

But I do,

And the panda does too.

I see this pictures,

and they give me hope ...

1000 goodbyes

I stoped writing for a few days, not because I was lacking of ideas, but instead, I was full of them.
So much happened after the last thing I posted here, again I'm confused, lost, or whatever you call this weird feeling that has kept me smilling for like 3 days! It's brain freeze, sometimes I wonder if you do this on porpuse, if you like to always say goodbye and see my face when you keep coming back.. Maybe this makes you excited, it's like a game, where I end up the looser no matter what the dice says, and you.. ooh you are never satisfied, you like this don't you? I can't lie, I hate the game, but I can't stop loving the player..
And wow, I'm smilling again, and having so many dreams, so much hope. That's what you do best. You give me all of you, in the form of hope, enough to leave me wanting more, enough not to give up, to care. Cause I can't see you sad, never want to make you mad, so if I do, you'll know, I finnally stoped loving you.
I'll be waiting as long as I can, I'll believe even in the end, and I'll hope for a miracle right now, cause I know the end isn't near, and so far I believed and it didn't work, and maybe just maybe, I'll be brave enough to handle your next goodbye, and ask you to close the door as you leave..

Never alone

I was never an easy person, even today I have alot of trust issues, it's difficult for me to trust someone, because all my life no one was brave enough to trust me, to help me.. I needed to be saved, and for along time I fought alone, against everyone, and everything. You don't need to know the story of my life, but basicaly until I was seven I was alone in the world. It was scary, being alone and pretending not to care, I was strong, still am, and I still think that I can do everything by myself.. But there's no need for it, cause I've got the best friends and mother in the world, and they care!

I decided to write to them, so to you, to all my friends, veryone who's standing beside me today, and everyone who's far but in my heart.

There was always something about me that was difficult to understand, I know that, and I know that you struggle everyday to understand me, to not give up.. Sometimes I push you away but you keep coming back, and I'm so gratefull for everything. There wouldn't be a PATXÓ if it wasn't for you, cause all I ever did, was to arrive at this moment and see how many great people I have arround me and how I'm not sure I deserve it..
I know how much I care about you all, and how much of a pain in the ass I am, but it's just me, and I know if I changed you'd miss me ..
So now I'm showing here all my love for you, for everything that you all did ´for me, and to say that forever I'll be here to help, forever I will care, and to say that forever is not long enough..

Love you all

Green stuff

Green feelings

Green dreams

Green tears

Green Person

Something in nothing

I knew I could see the future,
Maybe make it better,
maybe it didn't matter..
I knew I would have to cry,
I knew we were nothing but a bubly lie,
But I had to try..
Sundenly everything was something,
All my feelings were revealed
The truth was that
In the end I was the one who was real..
I cared enough not to show it,
I saw enough not to care,
But somehow it always ended up
In "stop and stare"..
I swear I only needed you,
I tried to make it come true,
But everything wasn't for you..
And so here I am,
After all we've been through,
Something in nothing,
this is me and you..

In this world nothing is important

Everything is instantaneous and irrelevant..

I want to make this moment last,

make it matter,

make it happen!

Is there more?

Something is really wrong with me right now, I don't know what is it, but my heart is strange like if there was a hand grabbing and squishing it.. It doesn't hurt, it's more like a heavy thing that I have to walk with everywhere I go, and I'm getting kind of tired.
Everyone arround me seems to understand what I'm going though, but how can they, if even I don't know what's going on?! Everyone keeps trying to help, saying how everything is gonna be okay.. But what happens if it doesn't? what happens if everyone is wrong and EVERYTHING goes wrong? You always have answers but I think this time you are as clueless as I am, face it: everything about me is wrong, everything about us isn't meant to be, everything about you keeps me from flying free.. And I hate and love every minute of being your prisoner.
I keep telling myself to let go, and everytime the space between us grows, you come closer again and I can't believe you're near.. And then, one day, your're gone again, and I'm missing you and going crazy, and everything is falling appart, until there's another sign.. What the hell are we doing?? This is a circle everything changes but still, everything's the same, at the end of the day I walk home with nothing and you still have it all.
I know there will always be something there, what I don't know is how am I supose to live knowing that a person like you is out there, and that for a moment that person seemed to care?
I just have to move on, with everything I thought you and I could be, everything I'll never have, everything I can't leave.. Wait! I just said I was moving on, and now I'm saying "everything I can't leave"?!
See?? This is exactly what you do to me.. But then again, it doesn't really matter to you..
You have it all, everything you've ever wanted and there's still a bonus: me..

Hot Water- Part 2

I don't know why, or how, but that girl was getting to close to, or was I to her?

I was watching her sleep, and she look so peaceful, so different from when she was awake.. Could be that only dreams could save her?

I was writing on my book and thinking that I had to do something, I had to find a cure, and try to save her from what seem to be her end. I looked back to the first day when she came to the institution, everyone was looking at her, curious, horrified.. She was the girl that appeared twenty days in the news, the girl everyone talked about, the girl that no one understood, and it was scary.
She walked in, her hands were tied up, and she looked right into my eyes, and she knew who I was immediately, she could read me like an open book, and from that moment on she couldn't leave my eyes. Iknew she was trouble, not for me, but for herself. I watched her closly everyday, and I soon learn that she was conscious for a long period of the day, but at night, she was impossible, no one could stop her, no one could calm her.. It was like she lived in a different place at night, a place she didin't like, a place se didn't want to go back to. But it kept pulling her.
Nothing could make her sleep, and so she didn't let anyone sleep, she shouted, asking for help, but I knew, no matter how much medication I gave her it didin't work, she had to save herself, I could only watch and pray.
And so I prayed..

I knew from when I was a child that we should pray everyday, but I always thought that we were the builders of our lives, we controlled our desteny.. I was so wrong.. Here I was, a man at the highest point in my career, thinking that he knows everything, until this girl came and I learned how I knew nothing.
Right now I'm tired, but I can't stop working, there's no one I ever wanted to save more than this girl, and somehow, someway I'm going to succeed.

As old as rhymes

I'm lying here in my bed,
With my sketch book in my hand,
I want to write, draw something in it,
But I can't move..
I want to write something about you,
make all my dreams come true,
pull us together like the strongest glue,
but something doesn't fit,
there's nothing more to fight nothing more to keep
I want to sing for you,
I want to make you smile,
But I can't,
Cause you won't stay here more than a while..
I saw your face yesterday,
And I knew I was still hooked,
Something about you keeps pulling me back,
something about you makes me look!
I've fallen for you to many times,
there so much that wasn't said,
there are still so many signs,
but I can't do it anymore,
cause this poem is as old as rhymes..

The end?

Why is that I allways have a tendency of righting to you? I guess it's because you are always on my mind, obviously I don't want you there anymore but you are so stubborn, there's nothing I can do! (LIER LIER LIER)

Life is not easy. I guess you can say that rich people have a good life, if you do say it, you're just kind of selfish and there's nothing you can learn about life anymore, cause you're one of those people who thinks they got all figured out, I have news for you: Life sucks ok?! It's not about you being rich or poor, or having a good job and a big family.. It's how we, human beings are seeing life, that's what it's making it suck.

So I'm making myself remenber what I learned in history classes many years ago.. Back in the time where men lived in caves, wore thongs and went hunting like savages(ok, now that I think about it, in that time there must have been a lot of sexual tension, if you know what i mean,those men were sexy, kind of hairy but hot), and these men killed to eat, to feed there families. Some people called them brave, I called them crazy. My point is that in that time, killing was part of life, and somehow we lost contact with death.

Why do we fear death so much?

The answer is simple, I don't care what's your religion, your beliefs, but what I know is that every human being is affraid of the unknown! The problem with death is that to one has come back to say what's on te other side. If there's something on the other side.. Cause maybe death is just the end of everything, a final stop in our journey.

Something tells me that back in the time of the men in caves, they weren't so affraid of death as we are today. They killed everyday for survival. They saw the eyes of the animals they killed closing, they were the ones to blame for what happened, I don't think they cared because that was just the way life was.

Now most of us don't have any contact with death, our food we just see it prepared for cooking, we don't see the blood, the animal being killed. Today I see that this is wrong. We shoud see it, and I know it's horrible, I speak for myself, I have an unconditional love for annimals, but we should looked at death as part of our journey, and me, I see it has a new begining.

We should enjoy life because we know that it doesn't last forever, but we should not hide under our beds because we know it's going to end.

Much more

Could you just stop, stare and wait?

There is so much more to people than just their face!

Think about that*

Hot Water - Story Part 1

Something pulled me back, I don't know what it was, but I sunddenly found myself in that same situation again.
Fear run thru my veins, and my eyes like always, showed all my emotions. I desperatly wanted to cry, but all the years had left me with no tears.
I could see everything just like it was before, my body was there, you were there, but my mind was far away, in a time where me and you couldn't possibly be together in the same room.
How could this be?
You were talking to me, I wasn't listening, but my mouth opened like it had life of its own, and I said something to you. At the time I new that what I had to say would hurt you, you would despise me but I said it, I thought it was for you own good, I thought I could make you chose a life where you'd really have a chance to live..
I caught you by surprised, you weren't expecting those words, your weren't expecting to be in this situation. Your face immediately turned red, and you shouted at me! You were angry and hurt. your muscles were tense, I could see the veins in your neck so cleary that I knew how hard you were trying not to lose control.
You wanted me, I could see it in your eyes, all the love you felt, and how in someway I was making you not want to see me again.
Just like so many times before I saw myself crying, and I saw you struggling with the sudden urge to comfort me, to take me in your arms and promisse me that everything would be ok.. But this time you didn't, guess I had broken your heart, or maybe I had just wanted you to be the one that makes the decision, and you were feeling the burden of making it.
You got closer to be, and grabbed hold of my hand, and said:
"Say it to my face, really tell me you don't love me anymore!"
---------------------------
- Grab her!!
All her body was shaking, she was having another atack.I grabbed her really tight to my body, somehow I was feeling close to her, to what she felt, to her problem, and somehow I knew that she would never be close to having a happy ending..

To Be Continued

Fairytale

I never knew how powerfull emotions could be until I met you..
Something about you was so wrong and still, I kept coming back. I knew from the first time I looked into your eyes that you'd make me fly and also make me cry.
In the begining everything was too easy, too pure, and for some reason I refused to listen to what everyone said, I knew I was falling for you, but I didn't care. At that point there was no turning back, I needed you, your smile, your touch, your words.. Everything about you seemed to lightened up my day, and I used to laugh evertyme I heard the song "No air".. Gosh! It was so true.

Or so I taught.

I guess something went wrong, or it was just not meant to be from the start. We were never that close, but something kept pulling us together, a mystical force that didn't want us to be apart, that force wasn't strong enough to fight against everyone who wanted to separate us.. Oh god what am I saying??
Time has passed and I am still trying to turn this into a stupid fairytale, where we have to fight the evil and all the forces of darkness in order to be together.. The truth is that you were never a prince charming, and I was never Snow White.. I was awake for the ride.
I thought I knew who I was falling in love with, but I didn't.

When I look back, I think of all the things I felt for you, all the words that weren't said, and I realize that all we ever were was a bunch of lies, misunderstandings.. And guess what, I was never the lier!
But I kept coming back, and I loved you with all my heart, and you stopped caring, so I stopped loving. I never understood what you were, how you felt, what were your thoughts towards me, but I know that you cared, I could see it in your eyes.

Now I just want to move on, I'm sending you this letter just to say that I took your magic carpet and went on a magic ride hopping that somewhere in the world I can find a magic love story to fit my green magic world.

Ps: I also kept your monkey
Pps: My story will have a happy ending, just not like Dinsey's

The old, new me

My mother use to say to me, that every person as a mission in life. I guess I never really thought about that until I was old enough to understand how short life is and that we should make the most of our time here.I spent most of my childhood in Macau, although I loved everything about that place, the culture, my friends everything, I always felt that I could be so much more..
I lived basically in a soap opera, it was all about gossip and popularity, it was never about who you really were, but instead it was about who would do anything to be someone else. It creeps me out to think about how many different persons I was in those nine years, and I admit that I'm not proud of who I tried to be.
It was only a year before I came to Portugal that finally I understood who I really was, and immediately knew that the true me was always there, I looked at it, but I could never really see it.

I came to Portugal and my world cracked into small little pieces, everyday I woke up in my new bed, and looked desperately trough my window hopping that somehow I had flown to Macau and everything would be OK. I finally gave up.. Macau was out of my life for good and I thought that I would loose myself again!
I was wrong!

I surprised myself, I knew that I couldn't go to that dark place again, of not knowing who I was anymore! I decided that I had nothing to loose, and with that in mind, I showed myself to the world, and... I survived

Now I know who I am! I can look in the mirror and not be ashamed of what I see! I'm so much more out there, and everything seems to be going in the right direction.

I've won, I've lost, over and over again, trying to get to the top of the mountain, until now.. Its clear to me that the journey is what really matters, not how fast I can get to the top.

It was never always about me, its about everyone, we must stick together, we are stronger as one, and for that I thank you my friends